Living your
life you for sure see relationships come and go, and for sure I’ve seen my part
of that. One thing, that was always the hardest for me, was letting it go.
I would
stay in abusive relationships, burnt out friendships, places I didn’t want to
be, just because I am oh so afraid of being on my own, and, let’s be honest, my
own person.
Being
disabled, independency is scary, cause you see so many things you just CAN’T do
on your own – so how are you gonna survive? But here’s what I learned. We’re
gonna talk friendships, cause my relationships were all too messy and way too
abusive to be a good example on that topic, and they’re a thing for a
completely separate post. Which will probably come soon, trust my exhibitionist
tendencies.
No matter
if you’re abled or not, staying in a friendship where something feels off is a
bad idea. No matter if it’s them not respecting your pronouns, being lowkey
racist or highkey homophobic, or if you just don’t click as you did before, you
should do your both a favor and leave. Being disabled, and I’m speaking both
physical disability and mental illness to just name few, you definitely shouldn’t
stay in a friendship that burnt out. It’s exhausting, trying to save something
beyond saving, and being low on spoons you want to avoid exhausting situations.
When I was
18, back in high school, my graduating year, I met a wonderful girl. If It ever
came to her reading this post I want her to know she was completely, absolutely
lovely, I loved her and I still do. We became best friends, and we would be inseparable.
We could laugh and cry together and I knew she would hold me did I fall. We
stayed this way three great years, along which I found my gender and sexuality
to be completely different from where I started. She got better mental illness
wise, I got worse physical health wise. She went to uni, I took a year off. She
met new friends, I found whole online community which became like my second
family. We started missing out on each other, not having time to meet, her
being too busy, me being too tired. I could feel she didn’t understand me now,
with my disability, with me wanting to only talk about how gay I was (you know
this feeling just after you come out, don’t you?), and I didn’t understand her
uni struggles at all.
We tried to
save it for almost a year, before we finally decided to let go on amicable
terms.
Do I miss
her? Like hell. Does she miss me? I am pretty sure she does. But are we better
off? Definitely.
Thanks to
us letting go I was free to meet new people. I met my two new wonderful best
friends who are my family. I got back in touch with my childhood friend. I am
lighter now. Happier.
Though at
2am a little bit drunk she’s the one I want to text.
My point
here is: being a spoonie, focus on your happiness and your strength. Don’t let
burn out friendship hold you back. Let yourself be happy on your own. You
deserve that and you don’t deserve to be exhausted trying to save friendship
cause world throws slogans about how second chance is important at you. Sure,
sometimes it is. But sometimes it’s not worth it.
Mourn them.
Cry. Be sad. Sleep too much. Eat comfort food. Cuddle with pets, cuddle with
family. Cry some more. Give yourself time. You’ll be so much happier.
And the
most important thing: don’t let people tell you mourning friendship is less
important than mourning a relationship. Your heart is still broken.
Trust
someone, who thought is not gonna make it if she breaks off a friendship. You’ll
be okay. You’ll feel so much better.
And there’s always someone more worth your
heart.