So. I was to class today. Everyone ignored me, like just blatantly straight wouldn't look at me or talk to me. And you know what? I am tired. I'm exhausted of being so outstandingly different just because I happen to need a mobility aid. I don't know how that looks in other countries but here the casual ableism is thriving and choking me. I'm super grateful I can study from home cause I couldn't stand this..cold..everyday. I'm tired, I'm in pain and I feel sick. And I am jealous. Jealous they don't have to face what I face. That they can just get up and go to class without the enormous struggle I put into going out anywhere. They have this huge privilege they don't even see. And I got tangled up in thinking I don't have a lot of time? Im getting worse and even if I won't die I won't be able to do stuff anymore, I'll be stuck in bed even more than I am now... and my precious time? I waste it because world is against us. And instead of enjoying what I have left I am forced to struggle and push froward in a world that keeps telling me I don't have any value if I don't contribute. So shut up about how mental illness is crippling you. Shut up about how people treat physical illness better. They don't. Mental illness suck, I have it too and I know. But believe me, it's not stopping you from walking on putting your limbs in fire-like pain. You're not a cripple. I, however? I am dying. From a perspective of a person with shortened lifespan: you have a privilege of not thinking about death at age 22.Think about it for a while.

Blogging with Alex - your everyday dose of angry screaming!  

 Okay, I wanna start with thanks to everyone who messages me about this blog. You guys keep this angry lesbian going, I wouldn't have any motivation without you. You're great. Kisses to you.  

 And shoutout to my dad’s girlfriend who’s stalking me on social media! I wonder of you found me here as well?  

 Today is one of the shittiest days of my life. And considering my past that is a huge thing. You see, there are days when I’m happily and patiently enduring abled people's antics.  
Today is not that day.

 Sure, every time I go out with my dad it's An Adventure, so I shouldn't really expect anything else, but apparently life can still surprise me.
 Today my dear father told a person helping me with opening door..not to help me. Which proves further he still doesn't believe me that I'm actually, you know, slowly dying.
But hey, it's not like we spoonies have to prove our disability over and over again! It's not like I carry my geneticist opinion with me everywhere! And my disability ID! Not at all!
 Except we totally do and I totally am.   

 We have to prove ourselves all the fucking time. Everyone around thinks we’re faking for social benefits.  Ask any disabled person and you’ll learn that those so called benefits are literally nonexistent (I just learned it's actually nonexistent and not “unexistent”. Huh. The joys of foreign speaker.).

 Abled people want our things. They want our bathroom, our ramps, our accessibility devices. Everyone around me keeps saying I only have my iPad cause I wanted a new toy.  Since i got it along with my stylus, I relearned how to draw, I started writing my novel and new fics again, I actually am able to take notes on lectures and I, reading books again cause I finally can hold it. All in less than two weeks.
 But the thing is people don't want to see. They don't want to see my progress and be happy with me, they choose to be jealous over accessibility devices I have.
I've got people saying that I'm lucky I cant take care of myself cause I don't have to worry about future. They don't understand that I do. I have to. More than them. I have to deal with fact I'll be dead before 50. You will never understand how that feels unless you're dealing with that. I dread everyday, cause I'm on a countdown. Not to mention I have no one to take care of me in case something happened to my mum. I literally will be left to die.
 But hey, I don't have to worry about finding a job!  

 You see, you all want our stuff without taking actual disability, you don't want wheelchair, shitty hands, pain, dying. You just wanna nice stuff.  

 And I know I've written about this before and I'm repeating myself. But maybe, just maybe, it'll stick with someone. It'll change someone. So I'll keep saying that.  

 On the other news, uni started today and I still have no idea what I should do. On Wednesday I'm supposed to try to meet some of my teachers..and beg them to let me work from home?  The thing is, begging…well. It's not my style. I'm more of a “you won't get me accessible classroom, I will see ya in court” person. So. Await updates on my hopeless case. 

 And if you're religious could you maybe pray for my gran? She's having a major surgery and I'm really scared she won't make it.   

 Thank you for all your support.