Answering my favorite ques
05:19
When you’re
visibly disabled suddenly your body becomes a public property. For me, it was a
shocking stark contrast – from being spotted publicly mostly for my blue hair
or colorful tattoos, earning smiles, mostly encouraging or gently amused, I
switched to being uncomfortably stared at, to uncomfortable embarrassed half
smiles in my direction, to surprised gasps sometimes when I stood up from my
chair. Before, I was just a young adult navigating the crowd, now, I became an
one person public performance.
My first
week on a chair, I cried constantly. I was totally unprepared for what came at
me – not only was I really sick, not knowing back then what was it I had, I was
in lots of pain – and I became an aim of critique and comments, not EVER nice.
Third day
on my chair I went to my psychiatrist, wanting her to adjust my meds as I was
getting more anxious than ever, and to tell her update on my diagnosis, that
back then was the fact I don’t have brain tumor. Which, unarguably was great
news for 21 year old scared shitless she’s dying cause suddenly in a month her
legs stopped working like they should. I was hoping to confide my fears in her,
hoping that a medical professional can help me in my really hard place.
What I got
was more critique. I was told I am worse by being on a wheelchair and I should
do everything I can to walk and not be like “those people”. The thing was, I
was already those people, I was a disabled person. Too bewildered to fight for
respect, I just sat there, and that was when the question was asked. My now
favorite question, the question that made the idea about this blog be born, the
question that changed my approach to disability.
“But if you’re on a wheelchair then how are you
gonna have sex?”
Because I
didn’t answer then, I am gonna answer now.
When people
ask me about my sex life, that is ableist as hell – because you wouldn’t ask
abled person how they have sex, right? You wouldn’t doubt they CAN have sex.
But you ask me, just because some parts of my body are working differently than
yours.
When
strangers, or friends, ask me that, my answers vary from straightforward “fuck
you” to “why, are you interested?”, cause as we already stated I am an angry
bitter person.
But to be
serious for a while here.
Disabled
people have sex just like any other people. We can be gay, straight, ace, trans,
you name it we have it. I am a sex positive panromatic asexual. What does it
mean? I do not feel sexual attraction to ANYONE, but sex is fun so I’m willing
to have it, with EVERYONE.
I am open
to one night stands and I am open to relationship sex. I am kinky as hell and I
masturbate a lot. All that my illness changes is that I am in pain, and parts
of my body are fragile. That is all. Everything works down there if you were
wondering.
I’m telling
my own story as I don’t have rights to anyone else’s, so hear me out: I am a
very sexual person despite being disabled. And most of us are. Wheelchair
people have LOTS of sex. If you are attracted to the person on a wheelchair GO
FOR IT. Ask them about details, and they’ll tell you, and you’ll make it works.
It’s that easy.
We are
PEOPLE, guys. We’re not some ethereal beings unable and unwilling to have sex.
We’re just people.
So,
answering my favorite question. How am I gonna have sex? HOWEVER I FUCKING
PLEASE.
What we
need here is awareness. More open speaking about sex. Ending of slut shaming
and ending of desexualization of disabled people. Because people WILL wonder
how we do it until they are well informed. So we need to inform them. But it is
in no means our responsibility to make them understand. They will or they won’t.
But they need to KNOW.
This being
said, if you’re low on spoons, tired, or just fucking pissed, the “go fuck
yourself” answer is well suitable as well. You take care of yourself and your
needs cause spoonie life is SO GODDAMN HARD, you don’t need to waste spoons on
ableist if you don’t want to.
I will
waste mine, cause I am mad and I want change. I want change for my future kids,
for my sister who was shamed out of accepting her disablility, for my friends
who suffer with me, for strangers who have shitty life. For me.
I hope it
was informative enough. If you still have questions, hit me up or just google “disabled
sex”. We live in wonderful world where google has an answer for everything, you
know.
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