On one minute friends.

—

Oh how I love I just literally killed the first mosquito of 2017. In February.

But. To the point.
I want to formally apologize for the lack of posts lately. Who would know dying would be so exhausting. I crashed from maniacal episode (I'm a freshly diagnosed, still unmedicated, bipolar person) to depression and I just kinda…stare at the ceiling and wish I could cry.
But while I was hopelessly turning in my bed tonight, I remembered something that might have been a good idea for a blog post. Or bad. You decide.
I remembered when I was 18 I guess, I was writing a different blog, kind of my thoughts on different subjects. We need to estimate here that 18 y/o me was an undiagnosed, traumatized idiot, with the key word here being idiot. I was in pain everyone was saying was a psychological thing after rape, that was also in a huge part ignored by medical professionals around me. I suppose I wanted attention? Literally I have no idea why I did what I did. It's one of those things I can't remember actually doing, but I know I did. And maybe it was the attention thing, or the fact I was highly psychotic back then and couldn't differentiate between facts and reality if I tried, but the fact remains, I was a total disaster.
You see, I cannot lie. If I was a mythical being, I would be a faerie. It's not to say I don't lie, cause of course I do, don't we all? but I suck at it and it's super uncomfortable for me, i can't keep track and I just hate it. I'm this person who'll come out to you and tell you about all traumas 5 min after meeting you (ask Ki, I literally did that to her and we remain best friend). And when I lie, I almost always come clean, and usually try to escape the consequences if I'm to be honest, cause I'm a coward too.
Anyway, I have no idea why I lied on the blog then, or rather colored the reality as some will say. I'm highly suspicious it was the attention seeking thing, but I just…have no…idea?
I wrote a post about my ex high school, the one I was expelled from (or rather kindly asked to leave if I don't attend therapy, which for me is the same thing cause you cannot just blackmail someone with “stop being mentally ill or lose education” ya know?). I lied in the post about how I came out to my peers and that it was the reason I was expelled with a huge BOOM. Which didn't happen. I was asked to change schools cause yes, they minded me being an outed gay person very much (how I was outed is a whole another story, I didn't do it myself either) but they mostly minded my self destructive habits and was “worrying about me corrupting my classmates” I think was the quote? I have no idea why they'd think so, I was suicidal but not making some suicide pacts with friends! That came later? Anyway, I was half happy to leave and half mad they made me, my mum was pissed, and so I was taken from school and moved to another nearer my city, without a dorm so I lived at home, and put into a loving care of a psychiatrist who then sexually abused me, but hey you cannot have everything.
And so when I posted the Lie Post as I'll call it now, I got two comments - one from someone who recalled their days at boarding school, and one, anonymous, from who said was my former classmate.
And I remember two lines. One was “you're living in some kind of illusion” - which was true then just as is now so I cannot really say anything…
And the other “the saddest thing is, we liked you”.
You may think, as I did back then, and even couple of months ago still, that it's kinda cruel. To say thing thing to who turned out to be a terminally ill person. But the thing is, it was my fault, and they had right to be angry I suppose.
And I kept wondering who wrote it. Was it a girl I hated cause she was better than me at literally any conceivable thing? Something I would now admire as a person who is not disabled and has strength to do stuff, and is amazing at them. But that's post-dying-epiphany me. Cause one thing I learned this rainy cold November day was that life is unpredictable as fuck, and holding grudges will get you nowhere. But I think to forgive everyone and decide to learn to appreciate everyone you have to have this major life changing event happen to you. And it's not to say I'm in any way better, cause I'm not. In any way. I just had a fucked up thing happen to me and I see world differently after it.
Was it the perfect girl’s best friend who I always thought was looking down at me and was weirdly condescending- but she wasn't. It was my low self esteem and a victim complex speaking. She was kind. I wasn't.
Was it a girl who was perfect at English and we competed at it which was totally unfair cause as a bilingual person I shouldn't compete with someone still learning? And she was good. I was introduced to English at 4 y/o and listened to it a lot before that. She was just learning at school, and we were the same level. In which way that was fair? I didn't put effort into my English - she did.
Was it a girl who was so ethereally beautiful I couldn't speak a word to her cause I'd stutter? Who I'm still a bit in love with just cause I was then?
Or her best friend who made me realize I was a lesbian, and skip the whole major crisis connected to it, cause she was so fearless in her love to girls, so open, so beautiful. I owe her so much, she made me stop being afraid.
Or was it a girl I was crushing so hard at my abuser was jealous of her and would beat me over her. I think I still love her somehow, that amazing she was.

And you know, my predicted lifespan is 40, and I'm 22 now, so I'm not going anywhere yet. But I want to, in some way, say goodbye to those girls. Thank them. Cause I have a fast paced life ahead me, full of trying to fit a whole life in couple of years. And I think it's time to say goodbye to the past.
And I doubt they'll read it, they'll find a way to this blog. But maybe they will.
So here you go.
Thank you B (what was your real name? We always called you that) for being someone I still can look up to. Thank you Z for laughing with me when I was sad and wanted to die - I'm not sure did you know? Or was it just that you're always so nice? Thank you M for being a fair rival, someone I admire and wish best. Thank you Be for allowing me to learn to love someone unconditionally from afar and showing me beauty. Thank you O for making me who I am now, for being unafraid and teaching me to be so as well. Thank you C for everything, every smile and small talk, oh gods how I loved you.
Thank you P for being the loveliest roommate and caring about me even after I left, you're an amazing person, you're gonna be famous one day, I know it. I hope to see it. Thank you E for being my best friend back then. You saved my life and I love you still, even though we lost touch.
And to the rest, thank you too. For being for me when I needed you and laughing at me when I was sad. For just being friends in a class, you know?

And you may think this post is weird, and excessive, and unnecessary cause who thinks about high school like that? But it's not why I write it, I don't even write it cause I'm ill.
The year I was at this school I was every weekend at home beaten, raped repeatedly and psychologically abused and tortured, and it's not a hyperbolic speech. And when I came back to school for a week days, it turned out my school psychologist I couldn't trust. But the girls were always there and had my back. Even though I was a terrible, terrible person. And this is about that, cause I'm making my peace with the past.

But it's not only that.
This post is about friendship. About people who are important in your life journey even if they're there only for 5 months, or 2, or a day. About kind people who make me want to fight my uneven fight still.
Maybe my point comes across, but if not, I'll make it clear.
When I found out I'm incurably ill, my world kinda shifted? And I'm in some weird change moment now. And I'm trying to learn to be kind and good. To be nice to everyone. I learn how to say thank you.
Learn with me.