You know,
if usually I’m a mess, then since these last two weeks I am A Mess. I would
look for an excuse why I wasn’t writing any posts, but the truth is I’m ill and
it’s the best excuse you can have. Chronic fatigue and pain kicked my ass and I
caught costochondritis (google it, honestly, it’s an awful illness we EDS folks
catch like a common cold. It’s my second one in last three months.) which tied
me to bed running on aspirin and oxycodone, so I was in no shape to write. I
still am, to be completely honest, but I had to share my thoughts on this
lovely topic. Lovely being high sarcasm.
Blowing my
college fund completely, I got a Smart Wheels-like wheelchair. I ordered it in
February, but it was ready just this Monday. It enabled me to go out much more
than I used to, taking the strain of wheeling, which was becoming unbearable on
my hands, from me. And I am now seeing the “casual world” (in opposition to the
world I saw on rental chair, only hospitals and clinics, and once a park) from
the perspective of a person on wheelchair. And oh do I see things.
Month ago I
took part in wonderful interview, the one I mentioned before, on topic of
disability in queer women. Among other things, my interviewer said one things,
that I now tested very painfully in reality.
Women [whether cis or trans] on wheelchairs [I’d add that with visible disability
in general] are perceived as a
completely different, new gender. Gender that is robbed of any sexuality, is
completely non-sexual. They’re no longer women, they’re a different species
that is seen as unable to be understand. [paraphrasing, obviously, as I do
not possess any transcript of the session]
And we are.
We totally are. I saw it before, to less extend, but now I see it in full
light.
It can be
small – like total lack of male gaze on us ( meaning sexually objectifying gaze),
sudden lack of romantic proposals at all, no dates, no interest in us. I’m a
fairly attractive young woman. Hell, I’m gorgeous. I’m also fairly intelligent,
charming, cute, funny. Before my disability became visible, I had people “in
real life” crushing on me, asking me out and so on. Now, as a wheelchair girl,
the only people interested in me are people I met online, who got to know my
personality first, before meeting me and seeing my body. Men do not stare at me
as they did before – which for me as a gay woman is genuinely nice, but still
proves the point. I can both feel it, and had people say that they noticed it
too.
It can be a
bit worse – as people treating our bodies as a public property, touching the
way they wouldn’t touch an abled person, asking inappropriate questions. As
doctors seeing out bodies as sexless. As health providers suddenly forgetting
we have sex lives. As people being confused we are sexually active or even
not-asexual at all.
You
probably wouldn’t grop a stranger woman’s body in public, would you? I had
people, regardless of gender, who did, who even went as far as casually
touching my boobs. But I shouldn’t mind, should I? After all I’m not a sexual
being at all so why would I mind someone touching my private places. (I wanna
specify: I do not think breasts are sexual organs, they’re for babies. But in
general, they’re perceived as a rather intimate part of the body.)
When at the
first time I applied for disability, I got a doctor who had no idea what EDS
was, and from just looking at me told me I’m a nice girl and should go marry
and have babies and not “want to” be disabled. The second time, the same
doctor, I had a card from my usual doctor providing all the details on my
illness and how it stops me from various aspects of life, as studying, working,
driving a car etc. This time? I was not a nice girl anymore, I was just a broken
body. The difference was literally so palpable my dad thought we both went
crazy suddenly cause it cannot be real.
It can also
be my favorite type of ableism aka “I could never date a girl on a wheelchair”.
Or even better, followed by “you’re cool tho, no offence”.
No offence
taken, obviously you cannot see me as a sexual being, as a hypothetical
girlfriend, as I am made of metal pieces and wheel gears and I do not possess a
sexual body at all.
You see, I
was only out a couple of times and I have more than a dozen of these stories to
tell. I am literally the other gender now, I am invisible at best and outward
hated at worst. I am not seen as a woman, as a future mother, future teacher,
future lover, no, I am sexless, I am
completely washed of any sexuality.
You see, I’m
a rape survivor with severe PTSD, I am also accidentally a person on asexual
spectrum, whether those two things are connected I’m trying to find out by
therapy. But even I, not being terribly enthusiastic about sex, do actually
mind this. Very much.
I am a woman. And I want to be seen as one. I
want to be seen as a sexual being cause I am a sexual being. I am not fond of
being treated as a little child.
So to y’all
who could never date a girl on a wheelchair. Look at your reasons why so. We’re
people just like you. Girls, I am just a girl, just like you. I am sexual like
you. I wanna have sex like you – with you. I’m not a different gender.
I’m just a human being. Extremely tired, bitter
human being.
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On 28th of July I turned 22. I can't believe I'm 22 and still have to blog about this shit. Two decades of my life and we still have ableism. Yikes.
Anyway, happy birthday to me.